I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
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He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
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I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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