The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
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The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
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Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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