Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
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I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Is Oprah even human
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize