We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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