I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
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They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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