I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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