I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize