i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
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