the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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