I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize