All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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