Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
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They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
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My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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