just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
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TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
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I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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