when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
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Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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