hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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