the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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