she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
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There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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