Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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