the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
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I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
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The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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