my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
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I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
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I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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