Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
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i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
BRING THE BAGELS
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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