He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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