She is in my trunk
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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