Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
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I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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