She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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