we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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