Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
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call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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