1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Everyone says I win the strip club
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize