Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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