Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize