so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
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he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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