He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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