The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
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i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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