Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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