between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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