gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
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She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
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I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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