Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
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My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I deserve to be covered in dicks
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i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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