I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
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She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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