I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
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Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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