That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
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I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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