he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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