How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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