She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
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Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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