god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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