I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
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I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
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it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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