Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
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Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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