Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
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Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
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Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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