So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize