I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
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it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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