oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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